I have been feeling the need to share this and I have put it
off long enough…..
Many of you know that we lost our son, Parker on May 23rd,
2009. Many of you have heard the story or knew him. I was changed that day,
never to be the same person I was before he fell out of our second story
window. How could I be? Losing a child is the worst pain a mother can feel. My
heart shattered into a thousand pieces. Since that day over five years ago my
heart has slowly mended some pieces. As happy as I may be or at least try to be
my heart will never again be whole. That day will come when Parker is in my
arms again and I hear his sweet giggle.
So here is what I have learned after losing a child. I will
never get over it. Some might think all it takes is going through the stages of
grief and then all better. Not even close! Each day I wake up to reality
hitting me in the face that Parker is not a 10 year who is in the other room
sleeping waiting to awake for school. Each morning my heart aches for him. He
is my first thought when I wake and when I lay my head down at night and in my
scattered thoughts throughout the day. I see him in my other children. I have
to live each day knowing he isn’t here. I replay imagines that I can’t erase,
they play like a movie that I can’t turn off. I am grateful for my deep
understanding of where he is and the promise I have that I will see him again.
That gives me a reason to breath and reason to smile. I believe that Parker
wouldn’t want me to be sad but that’s impossible. But I can try and I am always
working to be happy.
To all those who stand on the sidelines I don’t expect you
to understand. I for one would never want someone to know this pain. But know
that as grieving mother I will never (not in this life) get over the loss of my
child. It’s to BIG! I may smile and seem like things are wonderful. And in that
moment I am truly happy but always waiting in the back of my mind is the
realization that the child I lost is not here. I am sure he visits in spirit but
not in my sights. I can’t hold him or hear him.
I was handed my own set of challenges and at the end of the
day I wouldn’t trade with anyone. How hard they have been, I am stronger for it.
Heavenly Father entrusted me with Parker and I am grateful for the time I had
with him. I have to remind myself of this each day. I am lucky to know him. If
the doctor handed me Parker and said you will only have him for 4 years, 8
months, 14 days my response would be would be I can’t wait to get to know him.
I wouldn’t change my path.
Even though I will never stop grieving over the loss of
Parker, I am learning to live a life that is full of joy and happiness. I guess
that’s what happens; I will never “get over” losing him but I am learning to
live without him.
Each day I prayer for strength…
